Dick Clark's Slobbering New Year! it's 2012 Yo!

[bearvomit]

the man is a slobbering hound dog on my tv. it's starting to get embarrassing for the guy. someone wipe his chin!

[TroyObliX]

When 900 years old you are, look that good you will not musherflamurrer (thats 'motherfucker' in slobbery-geezer for all you kiddos out there).

[Bandersnatch]

Dick Clark has been dead for several years now. What you saw last night was an animatronic puppet. They still need to do some work on the skin tone and synching its mouth with the voice synth.

"More Human Than Human" is ABC's new motto.

[bearvomit]

not only was he slobbering, the dude was orange! that shit was scary at 1080p man! imagine a tag team monster movie of him and Roger Ebert coming at you in the dark.

Imagine, you're tied to a chair, it's dark, a lone lightbulb swings back and forth overhead, giving only glimpses of two figures standing in the room with you. One is Dick Clark, he has a leather leash tied around the neck of Roger who is on all fours, naked in the corner. Roger wants a piece of you. His neck skin flaps around violently as he drools in anticipation of his next meal. Dick snaps him back, careful to make this enjoyable for himself. His orange skin and shiny pink lips illuminate from the swinging light bulb. "I'mm goonn-a take dis nice....aaand slssooow." Dick says as he gives Roger some slack. Roger pounces on you, knocking you backwards into the floor, still tied to the chair, unable to move. His tongue drags across your forehead as you smell his horrible breath, heaving through his jaw-less mouth. Dick tightens the leash, keeping Roger only inches away from your face. "Juuusst a taasste, Roo-rrroaadger." He says as Rodger swings his massive weight towards you again, this time scraping his upper teeth across your nose, cutting it....

[Bandersnatch]

I have a new appreciation for bearvomit's imagination. Thanks for the New Years Nightmare.

But don't get me wrong, I have a great admiration for Dick Clark. I want to be just like him when I die. I just want to do it OFF the air...

[Topeka]

Cool fanfic, bro. I'm sure you can find someone in a dark corner of the internet to illustrate it for you.

Happy New Year, MF!

[bearvomit]

i'm all over it!
[spoil]
[align=left]Dick plans a new years party for the office and neighbors. seems innocent enough, He plays the old boss at work, getting up there in age, a little forgetful but reminds the co-workers of their grandpa. They do him this favor since his wife died earlier in the year and he seems lonely. So they all go. Same old douches in other movies. The handsome kiss-ass, the hot girl, the black hipster dude and his Japanese girlfriend.

It's new years eve, and they all show up at his house for the party. It's an old Colonial style house by itself on a ton of private property. No one around, gated, real secluded, but nice looking. They all go in, see Dick at the bar and he's slurring his speech even more now. Seems he's had a few to drink already, or so they think. The tv is on, big new years party, drinks are being passed around. He's even got some nice animal trophies on the wall where he's gone hunting in the past. Old knives are displayed on the walls along with pictures of what they killed. Seems he was quite the adventurer in his youth. Everything seems cool until they realize ... something was in the drinks! Everyone passes out on the floor as Dick dances around the room, strangely excited.

Everyone wakes up, each in a separate room, tied to a chair, blindfolded and gagged. Hours have passed. Of course the black dude gets it first. He's freaking out at the sounds he hears coming from the corner of the room. He hears heavy, troubled breathing and kind of a wet, slapping sound. Suddenly his blind fold gets torn off and hovering over his face is the contorted face of Roger Ebert! He's been furiously masturbating naked in the corner at his new playmate! Foaming slobber heaves from his jaw-less neck as he leans down and kisses the freaking out black dude. The black dude screams which enrages Ebert who growls and hollars at the interruption. He paces back and forth in the room like a wild animal, when he suddenly charges at the poor man and we cut to the next room.

It's the hot babe. She's managed to get the blindfold and gag off her face, the ties were lose. But she's still tied to the chair. She hears her cell phone going off in her pocket so she starts struggling to get it. It's her husband, she's late coming home and he's wondering where the hell her ass is at. She is able to get one hand free and tries to reach into her pocket but suddenly hears someone coming up the stairs. It's Clark! She pushes the button on the phone while it's still in her pocket, turning it on just as the door opens. Clark is checking on his guest. He sees her gag is lose and blindfold is off! "Yaa-ou llittleee biiaatch." He says in a slow, slurred manner. He never was drunk, this is how he talks! He smacks her across her face and grabs her titties, roughing her up. She screams his name as the gag goes back into her mouth as he smacks her again. He starts telling her off about how much a whore she is at work, always trying to show her ass off to get attention. Tells her how women use to act back in his day, the 30's, and how he would never promote her past a coffee filler. Clark then hears a loud noise from down the hall. It's Ebert. Clark leaves the babe in the room and locks the door behind him.

Clark finds a naked and shaken Ebert huddled against the wall of the long hallway. Clark is furious at how Ebert's been acting and yells at him. He notices blood on Ebert's hands and takes his belt off and starts whipping Ebert across the back repeatedly. "Thiss wassss supose to be a paarrrtie!" Clark yells at Ebert before leaving him.

Clark then finds the Japanese girl's room. The room is empty! The chair is knocked over in the floor and the ties are lying next to it. Clark looks around in a panic and sees the window open. He rushes and looks outside and the Japanese girl is trying to shimmy her way on a ledge away from the window. She's three stories up and scared to death. Clark leans his head out of the window and yells at her. She's out of his reach but there's no where to go but to jump. She looks down at the ground and suddenly from around the corner of the house, three large rottweilers come charging and stop underneath her on the ledge. They're barking and growling, pissed off dogs, ready to tear into her. She loses her grip and falls into the waiting dogs below as they tear her to shreds. Clark slams down the window, furious that he didn't have time with her. The night isn't going as planned. He decides to go into the handsome douchebag's room.

A lone light bulb swings back and forth overhead, giving only glimpses of two figures standing in the room with the guy. One is Clark, he has a leather leash tied around the neck of Roger who is on all fours, naked in the corner. Roger wants a piece of the douchebag. His neck skin flaps around violently as he drools in anticipation of his next meal. Clark snaps him back, careful to make this enjoyable for himself. His orange skin and shiny pink lips illuminate from the swinging light bulb. "I'mm goonn-a take dis nice....aaand slssooow." Clark says as he gives Roger some slack. Roger pounces on the man, knocking him backwards into the floor, still tied to the chair, unable to move. His tongue drags across his forehead as he smells his horrible breath, heaving through his jaw-less mouth. Clark tightens the leash, keeping Roger only inches away from the dork's face. "Juuusst a taasste, Roo-rrroaadger." He says as Rodger swings his massive weight towards him again, this time scraping his upper teeth across his nose, cutting it. "I'mm gonna count dowwn fro-from ten." Clark says, barely holding Ebert back from the guy's bleeding face. "Ten, ninnee, eightt, seven, siiiixx," the guy is struggling to get up but he's tied tightly to the chair, he can't budge and the gag is still in his mouth. "Five, fooouur, thhhrre," Ebert is snapping and snarling, just inches away from the guy's face. "Two, one." Clark releases Rodger onto the guy's face, tearing it apart with his upper jaw teeth. Clark claps happily and screams, "Happy New Year!" as the guy dies beneath him.

Just then the doorbell rings. It's the babe's husband! He's somehow tracked her down from her phone call earlier! Clark leaves Ebert with the douchebag and hurries downstairs. He opens it and answers politely. Clark tries to act all cool, telling him that they left hours ago and he doesn't know where they went from there. The husband buys it and leaves the entryway and Clark shuts the door thinking he just got lucky. The husband starts to walk off but then notices the rottweilers around the corner of the house, chewing on the Japanese girls arm! Clark begins to go back upstairs when the door is kicked in and in rushes the husband! He tackles Clark and they struggle along the floor. Clark is old and is easily handled. The husband, in a rage, demands to know where his wife is at. Clark raises a finger and points upstairs as blood runs down his lip. The husband turns to go upstairs but Clark grabs a hunting knife off his wall and attacks him! The husband gets cut up good but manages to wrestle the knife away from Clark and stabs him in the gut. Clark hunches over, apparently dead. The husband rushes upstairs and finds his wife in the room. They embrace and he unties her just as Ebert enters the room! Ebert pounces on the husband, violently snapping his one jaw and skinflap dangerously at his face and throat. They wrestle around on the floor, Ebert's massive weight and strikes seem too much for the husband. The wife is screaming for help when suddenly the black dude from earlier enters the room with a shotgun from the wall and blasts Ebert in the back! Killing him! Ebert apparently hadn't finished the black guy off in his man-rape from earlier. He checks on the husband and wife, they seem fine when suddenly from behind Clark stabs the babe through her back, the long knife going right through her titty out the other side! Freeze on Clark's enraged face and cut to black. roll credits.
[/align]
[/spoil]

[TroyObliX]

Wow

That was really disturbing. And great! Much better than what I've seen of 'Twilight'. Which I swear I only watched to be nice. And by 'be nice' I mean "trying to get laid".

I expect this to simultaneously get you a movie deal and a massive lawsuit, bear. Hope the prior is way bigger!

[Bandersnatch]

[sub][marq=right] [/marq][/sub]

[bearvomit]

i want 2 million up front and 10% on the back end. bandersnatch can have 30k for coming up with the title but the rest of you can suck the hind tit.

[TroyObliX]

I just want to be able to say I knew you "when you were just a racist e-person". You've grown into such a fine American lunatic. You should be proud.

Watched by the authorities perhaps, maybe have your yard searched by cadaver dogs every so often, but proud.

[bearvomit]

well there goes the movie hopes. Dick Clark has died.

[Cryostar]

But not before Lucas digitally scanned his likeness.....we can have Rockin' Eve forever!

[bearvomit]

so he'll be counting down the new year as a hologram with Tupac and Elvis? what kind of world do we live in now?

[Cryostar]

I heard he's going to be cohosting with Celine Dion this year.

[Bandersnatch]

Dick Clark will never go away. They'll just use one of those "Spitting Image" puppets like they did last year.

[Cryostar]

More like slobbering image....

[TroyObliX]

Dick Clark, RIP. Why you didn't take Barry Manliow with you, we will never know.

[yarq]

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[yarq]

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